Tristan vol. 3 written 2014-2015
By Asa Montreaux, pen name Andrew James
Though I wondered a little
shallowly, if it wasn’t because both of them were
so taken with her looks. Whatever the case, she
was helping me feel calm too, and I could almost
start to feel a little sleepiness. I wondered where
Agnes was, and if I should call her. We were
leaving so early. Maybe under different
circumstances. I felt like I might see her soon.
Do you want to try sleeping now?
Sure, we certainly aren’t going to leave the
room right now.
We turned the lights off. I felt warmer yet
under the covers. She slept in a compact little ball.
At first I lay on my back, and then fell unto my
side, and eventually, we did fall asleep.
Though, I awoke at five in the morning.
And I lay there for a while. Our alarm was at
quarter ‘till six. It suddenly occurred to me that
Paige had been lying in this position. I got up, and
I took a shower. The shampoo’s felt sticky in my
hair. there was body wash that I used as the water
fell on me in a light setting.
I towel dried, put on my clean set of
clothes, put some putty in my hair and then I woke
Maisie just before quarter till’, and when the wake
up call came I canceled it right away.
Let’s go get Allister.
Teagan let us inside, and Allister was just
waking. He went to the washroom and washed his
face, and put clothes on. Teagan was ready to go.
He said goodbye, and then went downstairs to his
car, and drove back to our old neighbourhood. We
all hadn’t had so much sleep. Allister looked
refreshed though, after he had washed his face and
said hello and everything.
Let’s just go now and we’ll have something
by our departure gate.
There was a cab waiting, and it actually
took almost fifteen minutes to get to the
international terminal. I thought of the shuttles,
the walking platforms, that people had to use to
get from terminal to terminal. So much of our
time was in airports, so much of my time was in
between locations.
Bye me this neck pillow.
What do you need one of those for? It
doesn’t even look comfy.
It feels nice. It’s better than the ones they
give you.
Not by much.
I want these headphones.
We have three or four pairs with us already.
These are noise cancelling.
So are the ones we have.
Yeah but these are noise cancelling for
airplanes.
There’s no difference.
Let’s but something we can bring home
then. I want this massage chair.
I’m not going to buy a chair from an
airport sharper image.
It looks cool. We can put it in my room.
Let’s go look at books.
We walked over to the bookstore, which
was more a Starbucks, at least in part a Starbucks.
It was mostly paperback fiction.
I think I’ve read enough John Grisham and
James Patterson novels. The good thing is you can
read them in one plan ride. I was looking for
familiar books. Ah, so Allister here is a book I
want to give to you. Have you ever read, or sorry
have you heard of the Catcher in the Rye?
Mmm. Never heard of it.
Well. I read it when I was a little older than
you. This, I will buy for you.
Why is it so short?
It was a first novel, I think that’s why. Plus,
it mostly takes place over the span of about a
weekend.
Oh. Cool. Is it about flowers or something?
It is about someone in high school, which is
what your about to be.
I’ve read lots of books like that.
I don’t think you’ve read one like this.
I looked at the rest of the Salinger books. They
had Franny and Zooey. That was one of my
favourite books as well, though I never found
Zooey’s anger very interesting. There was also
Raise High the roof Beam, Carpenters and
Seymour: an Introduction. Two more short works.
I guess he really was a short story writer. That’s
where the money was, and I guess he was in the
army and stuff so he wrote what he had time to
write. He wrote Catcher when he was overseas.
I looked at some more books. There was
several Canadian authors, Alice Munro, Margaret
Atwood, Barney’s Version. I thought about our
trip to the mall. There was a bunch of Narnia
books and other Christian books. There was a
huge pile of Harry Potter books. They were sparse
upon release, and then they were printed and
printed, and everywhere. These are all books
Allister would like, and that he should be reading.
After he finished Catcher, we’d have to take
another trip to the bookstore. Maisie was looking
too, but I don’t think she needed any more books
to read right then. Maybe a second coffee, that
would be the only thing she would be wanting to
buy right then. You need more books Allister. In
time, I suppose, we will build your library. For now,
onwards. It’s almost time for our flight, Maisie.
Allister, you walk like a penguin.
I try. It’s not that difficult you could do it
too.
I will stick to walking normally. But, when I
was your age, I use to have so much fun on
Heelies.
I like those. But there not safe for most
people, but you’re like a hockey player.
They were so much fun, I used to use them
in department stores, all over. They were really
uncomfortable to walk in if you didn’t take the
wheels off though, like ski boots but worse.
We were on one of the walking platforms.
Maisie and I leaned back on the moving ledge,
and Allister kept walking like a penguin. At the
end of the platform, he had to wait for us.
We have plenty of time Allister, what’s the
rush.
I just wanted to walk some more.
Waiting, I phoned Teagan. Hey Teagan.
Just calling to see where you are, how your feeling,
etc.
I’m just arriving at work. I’m opening. Yeah
the drive wasn’t so bad, and I’m here a little early.
I feel a little woozy, I’m not sure why, but mentally
I’m okay. Not so shaken up. Happy to help, and it
hasn’t taken anything away from me. Good to see
you again.
Okay. We’re just waiting now. We’ve been
through all the stores and everything, and now we
just have to sit here and wait for a while longer.
Allister seems alright as well. Yeah. If you want to
come visit, we’ll fly you up. We have space for you
to stay for a while. Anytime. Maybe this summer
even.
Thanks. I’ve never been to Vancouver, but
maybe in a while. Work, family stuff right now. I
think my parents could fly me there as well.
Alright. Maisie, Allister says hello. Keep in
touch. I’ll message you again soon.
For sure. I have to go, I need both my
hands right now.
Okay, take care.
I hung up the phone. That smoothie was a
lot. I have to go to the washroom, or is it the
bathroom? Allister do you need to go as well?
I’m alright.
Okay, I’ll be right back then.
There were people with bags that had flags
from all over. That’s an international airport I
guess. The bathroom wasn’t so gross, I guess. I
washed my hands three times, fixed my hair even
though it was already fine. I hadn’t bought any
books, so I walked over to buy some magazines.
they had the atlantic. I got some chocolate bars,
and snacks for the plane ride. It was a pretty long
ride really, and I’d be pretty wide awake. They had
neck pillows here too. I thought about purchasing
one, but they still didn’t seem very comfy. I’d look
for them on the plane, because the fact that were
selling them everywhere doesn’t mean that
everyone has them. If people are using them,
maybe they are comfy. They were talking about
something. I’m not sure what. They were being
serious. Allister hadn’t been talking much.
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing much really, Maisie said.
What, I want to know.
Nothing much, really. You bought things?
Anything I can have?
Sure, you can read the magazines. There’s
some chocolate I bought for both of you. The
breakfast they give us isn’t a whole lot of anything,
really.
I only want the chocolate, Allister said.
Just don’t eat all of it.
The take-off was a little bit rough. It was
raining and there were heavy winds. We waited
forty minutes on the runway, before the winds
diminished some, and then we rocked as we left
the ground. Surprisingly, Allister fell asleep fairly
quickly. It made me wonder how he had slept the
night before. I ordered a soda, and then I started
reading the atlantic and after half an hour or so, I
took my laptop from my bag so we could watch
some movies. I just wanted to watch something
classic classic, so I opened the maltese falcon. Most
people were watching movies on the backs of the
seats in front of them. This was much better. I had
a headphone jack splitter, so we both could listen. I
often wonder whether the volume, even when the
headphones are noise cancelling, is hurtful for my
ears. I guess if it is only on planes, it’s no worse
than being in the back of a concert.
As the movie played, the flight was smooth.
Allister was snoring a little. I moved his position
very slowly, so that he would stop making those
noises. It helped. He was breathing quietly. A few
times the flight attendant offered us snacks, or
refills. After the movie was over, I made us turn the
computer off for a little while, so I could close my
eyes and rest them a little. Let’s watch something
that’s not in black and white. We were looking
through my iTunes.
Oo. Let’s watch Gossip girl again. Second
season this time.
Really? I’m not even sure if I want people
to see me watching that.
Looking at your collection, it’s that or
another black and white movie.
That’s not true. Whatever. Let’s watch then,
if you are so keen.
Okay. Serious question — do you still think
that chuck bass is attractive?
I don’t think that. I just think he’s hot.
What’s the difference?
It’s the way he acts. He’s kind of good
looking. Not like Nate or anything really.
I think he looks kind of silly. Why does he
make that face?
I don’t know that’s the character. He’s really
angry because his Dad is rich and mean.
Hmm. I guess. And you like Serena.
She is so pretty.
Leighton Meester is beautiful as well. Lively
is like the all american girl, though.
This isn’t my favourite episode.
Were just playing them in order.
Don’t skip it. The next one is much better
though.
As long as were both happy. Don’t mind if I
close my eyes here and there.
I felt weary from traveling. The land
yawned beneath me. Mountains peaked, rose up
and went back to sleep. Clouds hung above them
spiralling, up, spiralling, down, into the valleys,
above the vast lakes, somewhere in there, the deep
heart’s core. The plane rocked a little. She had no
idea how many times I had seen these. Sometimes
the show lagged, other times it was ridiculous,
none of this is news. By now it was as much of an
exercise to notice the changing hairstyles and
outfits. That was, I admit, an interesting part of
the new york lifestyle. Maisie seemed to be
enjoying the episodes. She was right about the
episodes. I kind of knew that already. After the
second one, we still had as much as two hours of
flight left. I got up to stretch my legs. The plane
shook slightly. I walked to the back of the plane,
and I did some stretches. A few people stared at
me. My head was hurting a little, but this helped. I
asked one of the attendants for some water. I
pulled the sleeves of my sweater up. I stretched my
hands to the ceiling and grabbed it lightly. Maisie
looked around, leaning over, to see what it was I
was doing. I smiled so as to try and say every
things okay, I’m not doing anything that needs
paying attention to. I held my hands there for a
while, though. I felt the blood draining from my
hands. My circulation was freed up a little now. I
went back up the aisle to our seats. Allister was still
asleep. She had paused the show. Thought I would
miss something?
Exactly. I didn’t want to watch it without
you either.
You can press play now. Hopefully we’ll not
see any delays at the airport, or whatever. I can’t
wait to get home.
Ahh. You’re stuck next to me, watching
gossip girl for now.
Couldn’t be a worse thing to be stuck
watching for a long time. Couldn’t be a better
person to be stuck watching it with.
She hit me softly. I put the air phones back
on. I didn’t feel sleepy, still. Putting the
headphones on reminded me of all of the times
I’d put them on during bus rides, or on the plane
during the season. I missed the companionship,
and I felt as if I could use another groups of guys,
before I was overrun by females. It was strange,
the majority of the time we seemed to just make
fun of each other, and say what would otherwise
considered to be quite mean things. I’m not sure if
this brought people together, as long as it was a
back-and-forth thing. But I guess in the important
moments I felt like we were really close. Some of
the kids went to the same schools, like stm, or
played for the same teams before, and I think by
the end of the season those groups had dissolved
mostly, and we were just one group, which should
be sort of the goal of any team I guess.
Allister was still asleep. I guess it had
something to do with him being just a kid. He had
short bursts of lots of energy, and the events of
just recently were sort of overwhelming for him,
but they didn’t make him worry like they made me
worry, at least not right now. He is a very good
little kid. It was fun to have a little brother, because
I could sort of observe his spirit, and still feel it in
the kids that I played with. That made me feel
better, that even if what we were doing wasn’t
meaningful on a larger level, it was meaningful
amongst us. And yet, we played for audiences,
more people than we cared to think, and perhaps
there really was something important about
performance, and sharing the passion, or the
feeling that something matters, with an audience. I
looked at the screen on the seat in front of me,
touching it with my finger to flip through the
screens. There was a map charting our progress.
We had about an hour left. It looked like we were
above Oregon, maybe. Dan and Serena were
getting back together, and Chuck was ruining any
thing that Blair had developed with other guys
over the summer. A lot of people were asleep on
the plane now. I sort of glanced at Maisie. She was
very awake, and looking at the laptop screen- I
tried to close my eyes without her noticing. I
cleared my mind. Still no sleep. The world was
unquiet, restless, except for the very young at
heart. Suddenly I had to go to the washroom. I got
up again. I walked to the back of the plane. People
we’re looking at me again. Why is he walking back
there twice, I imagined them thinking. The flight
attendant looked at me. I said hello to her. One of
the lavatories was occupied. This is the one that is
open, she said.
Oh, Thank you.
I closed the door gently coming back into
the aisle area. there was someone waiting there. Be
careful as you walk back to your seat. The pilot
just turned the fasten seat belt sign on.
I noticed. Thank you.
I held on to the edges of some seats as I
made my way through the aisle again. People were
still looking at me. Maisie was still watching the
episode. I sat down slowly, and thought about
trying to read my book. I didn’t do anything for a
while, which I guess is what people do on planes.
Then I started listening again. We were almost
finished episode three now.
Eventually, the plane began to make it’s
descent. I could see the ocean beneath me, as we
circled around to approach YVR. The city blinked
in the light darkness. The plane approached the
runway, landing smoothly, not far from the shores,
and quickly slowed to a glide. It was nice not to
have the noise of the plane bothering us anymore.
Shortly, the plane stuffed in front of the tunnel,
and we were off the plane shortly. I lugged
Allister’s suitcase as we climbed through the
tunnel. We entered the airport, and it was totally
different feel than where we had been before. We
made our way to the parking garage, where we
were way up on the top level. Allister wanted to sit
in the front. I put all the bags neatly in the back,
and Maisie sat behind Allister. We drove away
from the garage, through a very circular ramp, to
the parking booths. It was pretty steep for only a
couple days. I used the credit card. Then, we were
driving in Vancouver, in Richmond, only so far
from home. We had the satellite radio on, listening
to acoustic music. No more gossip girl, yay.
It’s good that were home. I should call my
parents, Maisie said.
The traffic wasn’t very heavy, and we were
home in a little more than half an hour. It was
quite inside. I brought Allister’s bags upstairs to
the guest room, and helped him unpack a little. I
said he could go to bed when he liked. I went to
my room, where Maisie was taking some clips out
of her hair, and lightly reshaping it. I got in the
covers, and neither of us said much just then. It
took about fifteen minutes, and then I was fast
asleep. I dreamt about, I dreamt about nothing, as
far as I can tell. I was surprised Maisie hadn’t gone
downstairs to sleep. She was in the space beside
me on the bed. I supposed I hadn’t fallen asleep in
much more than half the bed. It made more sense
when I realized the covers where draped around
her. I got up and went downstairs, after visiting the
kitchen for a smoothie drink. In my hockey room I
had a bench, and I had bought some dumbbells as
well. I think I need it. Otherwise, I was spending
way too much time at the gym. I did lunges, and a
bench press, and a few other things. It was an hour
before I came back upstairs. I think Maisie was
awake but she was still in the room. I showered,
not too long, and then I sat down and thought
about what to do for Allister. Maybe the best thing
to do was to keep his mind occupied. Try and
make him feel alright and help him have fun, and
slowly, over time, talk about Paige with him. I
guess we’d have to monitor him fairly closely, in
the upcoming months. Eventually, they both joined
me in the
kitchen. There were bagels and things I had
bought the other day. When I’d spoken with Dad
he said he would be home soon, like around later
today. I felt like a doctor, as if I should be
monitoring his vital signs. He looked fine, not as
fresh as yesterday. He seemed quite calm. I look at
Maisie trying to communicate my worry, and she
seemed to get it, and suggest everything is fine. I
was never close with Paige. I never really liked her.
She was gone though. It was sad. I guess she
hadn’t been a bad person, even if she wasn’t
nurturing. Sometimes we demand things, young
people, from the adults in our lives, and they seem
to refuse. They are otherwise good people I guess,
who have their own lives, or did, who have their
own concerns and their own memories to think of,
their own wills to leave this world, I guess. We sat
at the table for a while. Maisie was very quiet.
Allister said something. What are we going to do
today?
I’m not sure. I think we stay here, unless
there was somewhere you really wanted to go. I’m
going to the grocery store later. I was thinking
about cooking something tonight. If you want to
come then.
Okay. Can I pick some things to eat.
That’s okay. We’ll just be here for the day. I
don’t know if you want to watch t.v., if your in the
mood to play video games. There are lots of books
you can read. Whatever you’d like to do, we’re
here with you right now.
I watched some playoff games I had
recorded from the previous night. Allister watched
too. We didn’t talk much about the games, we just
fast forwarded through the commercials and time
stoppages, and really any parts of the games that
were boring. Especially as he was watching, and I
had to think a little about whether it was
enjoyable, and not just observe the game, we
zipped through a lot of the games. Hey Allister,
what is your favourite team?
The Penguins.
Really? Coincidence?
I think I would walk like a Penguin either
way. It makes me feel philosophical.
That’s an interesting way to feel.
It’s bad you’re so old or you could do it too.
Hey. I’m seventeen.
Allister, Dad will be here later tonight.
Okay.
I imagine he’ll want to know you’re doing
alright and he’s concerned about you. He misses
you and he’s happy to see you now all the same.
Am I going to stay with Dad now?
Yes.
Alright. Hey do you think it’s about time to
go to the grocery store.
I was going to go a little later, but if your
bored, we can go now.
Let’s go now.
Alright. Let me see what Maisie is doing.
*
So you like the front seat, hey?
Yes. I like to be able to see the road.
That’s a better reason than I was expecting.
I thought you would say, I don’t know, that you like
to control the stereo.
Well, that too, but that comes second. Your
drive slowly. The speed limits are different here.
Oh. How fast is thirty kilometres an hour.
This fast.
You really won’t hurt anyone going this
slow.
Yeah.
Hey, how far is the grocery store.
Not very much further. This one is a little
longer distance from our house than the other one
that we sometimes go too, but it has better
selection.
Oh.
Look up ahead, that’s the entrance to the
parkade. We went up two or three stories to the
supermarket entrance. Go get a cart, Al.
You have a quarter.
Here. Have two.
Can I push the cart.
Yes. Sanitize your hands after, though.
Why?
Germs.
That’s kind of silly.
Someone taught me that when I was your
age. Think of all the people who use these
shopping carts. It’s a lot of people.
Sometimes I see a young person washing
them with a hose in the morning.
See. They must be dirty, if they need
cleaning.
As we walked through the entrance, I
pointed at a table nearby.
Here. grab some of those cookies. They are
so good. What kind.
Chocolate chip of course.
They look good.
Try one. He ripped the seal.
Yum. They’re very buttery.
Yes. That’s why they’re good.
Where are we going first?
Through the meats.
We picked up things from a list I had
compiled.
If you see anything you want, just grab it.
I’m not sure what you’re in the habit of eating.
Me neither. I’m just picking stuff that looks
good.
I’m okay with that. We have to suit your
tastes as well, now I suppose.
Thanks.
Okay we need a few more things for dinner.
There over on the other side of the grocery store.
Well then lets go there.
We needed some spices, some more cooking
oil, and some things for a salad. When we were all
finished. We went over to the registers, and lined
up. There was some self-serve one’s, but we had a
lot of things, and the lineups were fairly long.
We got a lot of stuff.
Just wait until you see how expensive
groceries are here.
Yeah but it’s because of the dollar.
Not just that. Foods are imported from
other places, and we lose money on the exchange.
Vancouver is expensive. It’s so expensive.
A lot of people want to live here. It’s a
desirable place to live. Hey. Meat isn’t that
expensive. We get that from Alberta. Except for
Mad cow disease. That wasn’t a good thing.
Indeed. The people look different here.
They do. Different environment.
I’ll help you pack the groceries.
Thank you. Alright. To the car.
Put anything dairy, meat, in the back seat,
and put everything else in the trunk area, and give
me those bottled waters.
Some of these bags are really heavy.
We bought a lot of things. Alright, almost
packed. Get in the front seat there, let’s get driving
some more.
What are we going to do when we get
home?
I’m not sure. We’re just going to sort of wait
for Dad to arrive home from Houston.
Can we go somewhere now?
Sure. We can drive around some. Here.
Let’s drive up burnaby mountain. It’s wide open,
and there are nice views up there. It isn’t like
Houston.
We climbed the hill, went past the
conservation area, up towards SFU. He looked out
the window. Wow. Cool. It’s like when were on the
plane. It’s cool from the earth too.
We can go up grouse mountain another
time. There are some really cool views from up
there.
I’ve always wanted to go up there. I’ve
heard people talk about it.
It should be really fun for you. You can go
up there whether there’s snow, or there isn’t like
this time of year. It’s nice to walk around up there
too.
Also, I want to go to a Canucks game.
Maybe in a few weeks time, or something
Al. We’ll spend some time at home with Dad first.
Look, it’s more fun on the way down. I can let off
the break a little too.
This is a big hill.
And look, you can see where we live.
It’s cool to live next to such a big hill.
When we got home, Maisie had gone to
visit her parents for a while. Allister helped bring
in the groceries, and then we put them away.
The cabinets are arranged a lot differently
then when we lived in Houston.
I organize them now. Before it was Paige.
Or Dad. I’m going to go walk the dog. Do you feel
safe for a little while by yourself ?
Sure.
Okay. Do what you want. Nothing stupid.
See you in a little while. Pup, come her pup! Well,
then. Let’s be going, pup.
I walked through the school grounds and let
him off for a bit. He ran around excitedly in big
circles. One thing that was really silly about
Vancouver, is that all the schools seemed to have
gravel soccer fields. It was really silly. Maybe they
were more baseball fields. I guess any soccer
association would play on grass or turf or
something. Then again, the younger kids played
on these fields. They were good for the dogs
anyways. There was a short trail up the road about
five minutes walk, and I would take the dog that
way, where there was another park. sometimes, I
used to ride my bike over there. There were ramps
and things. There was usually only a few people
there, And there were big fields for the dogs to run
around too. You could see the backyards of the
houses in front. They had huge lawns. Houses in
Vancouver tended to have bigger backyards, but in
Houston a lot of houses had front yards, with
driveways. Time was running so slowly in
anticipation of my dad coming home. Dad’s could
make you feel that way, when they were away at
work, or just in any situation. The Dad was the
one that was supposed to care of you after you
weren’t a baby, in a way. He was the one that
offered protection, and it seemed, emotional
protection too. He was the one who said.
Everything’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.
That was for Allister. I could do it. But I didn’t
have so many years here. As many things hadn’t
happened to me. Hollander was just going around
sniffing things now. I walked over to where he was
at the end of the field. Come on. I said. Let’s
head home. We won’t leave Allister alone in there
for too long. It was a bit of a trek getting home.
The heat had died down a little. The evening was
beginning. Hollander was more relaxed now.
There weren’t as many interesting scents on the
sidewalk either, it seemed, as his head was up, and
he was panting some. The other car was there.
Maisie was back again. That was good. I
wondered if they were doing something together
now. We were just up the street now. There were
distant yells from the playground, that
reverberated off of the school. There was a noise
that sounded like a bell somewhere. I owned the
gate, and let Hollander off his leash. He ran ahead
and waited at the door. He ran up the stairs to
greet Maisie. Hey Hollander. Why are you so
excited? He just likes you so much, that must be it.
You guys bought so many groceries!
We are both growing. Our appetites are
immense, I tell you.
I’ve noticed. My parents said there sorry
about Paige.
That’s nice. Where still going to see them,
right?
Yes, before we leave. I just said hello briefly,
really.
Okay. I’m going to get some work done.
I’m just going to read screenplays and stuff.
Okay. I’ll be in my room if anyone needs me.
My desk was a little uncomfy at first. I kept
fidgeting, shaking my leg, and that seemed to take
my mind away from the feeling of discomfort,
which definitely had something to do with the
proximity of my bed. I thought it would be a good
idea to try and write about what had happened.
Though I found myself writing about things in the
past. Somehow, it all fit together. the event was
given significance by what had been lost now.
April 18th:
I feel tired again. I took Hollander for a walk, and
afterwards I just want to go to sleep. Shouldn’t be
that way. Maybe it was the shopping market.
Thinking and thinking about the bedroom. She
looked horrific. Blood all over her. Her mouth ajar.
Will I ever forget that image? Why did she do
this… why did she wait so long. Didn’t she care
about Allister? Not very much. She cared about
him. Allister pretty independent. Not just her that
is breaking down. Dad too. He’s not the same
anymore. Different lately though. Is it age? Is it
loss, divorce. Is he the only one, or is it a lot of
people?
Starting over was helpful. Parents stagnate,
stay in the same place where they raise their
children, wait for a long long time to travel, or just
to do things differently. Where would we go in the
coming few years. Maybe we should stay were we
are right now. Only our relatives mostly knew
about this here. In houston, people driving past
the house, watching. I might as well have let them
in, and said walk around with me. As long as they
don’t go in the room, every other room fine.
Nothing strange except as indicative of two people
living together, not enthusiastically. Glad I wasn’t
there, a weird year. Maybe we were too selfish
before this. Getting things you wanted, having fun,
it made me a little more selfless. Maybe it was just
a time to step up. That’s how I want to be, though.
Allister changed a little bit already. It’s different.
You can tell that this city smells different to him
even. Wants to do things. Wants to be around us.
Not hiding himself in a room. Even if we’ve given
it too him. Hiding from something in there.
Vancouver safer? More likely to have your car
broken into. Safer, though. Less weapons, smaller.
More educated. Less heat. People calmer. Not
always friendly, calmer, anyways. We’re friends. In
Houston, I’m here, and then I’m gone again.
Here, a constant connection. Always here,
somewhere.
---------------------
April 20th
Unsure about leaving. At first it looked like it
would only be a few weeks. The more we talk
about it, the more places we want to go. We’re
going to live together, just didn’t think, right at
first, it would be over there. Packing pretty heavily,
then. Leave everything in the hotels. Day trips.
Maisie is excited, happy to get away. People say
have fun. Enjoy it, whatever. Why don’t they just
come. We’d probably say yes, though, it’s just the
two of us going there. We’ll get away from
everything, people sort of desire that for us.
Maisie’s parents happy with it, no qualms. Like a
graduation thing, something of a reward, more a
career opportunity thing for her. The idea came to
me to bring one person, bring Allister. He’s getting
along well with Dad, though. He took some time
away from work, as well. Last few days haven’t
done much with Allister, just see him at meals, and
talk with him around the house. Maisie and I
going out together, our lives sort of going on
again, back to normal.
Haven’t skated lately. A lot of my
teammates skating right now. Still running,
working out a little. Don’t want to get tired of it,
most people take breaks, longer than this too.
Can’t skate all year. Want to skate with Texas
players again, for fun. Not too much, pick up bad
habits from them. Have to visit again one day
soon, missing them, even if it isn’t same with
Agnes. Have to see here again. Not too soon,
though. Maisie buying me things. Clothing. Don’t
like mine anymore. A little out of season. I just
want you to have more. Wonder when we get into
Europe. Probably need different styles there, what
she is thinking. wouldn’t have worried about this
till we were there again. good of her to think
ahead. spends more time thinking of some of the
planning things when i’m busy. it’s a good thing.
Writing about this first thing is leaving the
house, and no one says goodbye. Thinking of the
wallpaper, in that room. Then the call from
Allister. Felt light headed. Thoughts start moving
right away. Write it close to your thoughts. Stream
of consciousness. Helpful, for me. Anxiousness
getting there, even waiting for the door to open.
relief seeing him. sort of a relief as well he cries.
feels safe hopefully. feels there is sympathy from us.
———————————
April 21st
Leaving four thirty in the morning.
Managed to sleep some. Allister is awake. He’s on
the counter, sitting. He want’s to come. Sleeping in
the back of the car. Maisie getting ready, packing
her last piece of luggage. Everyone in the car,
Maisie in front right now. Dad, driving, not in a
hurry. A car coming to take us to our hotel. What
is the name of the hotel. He’ll have our names. We
just have to wait for this person. Hope driving in
Moscow isn’t like driving in Mexico, South
America. Doesn’t make me feel good. Why would
it be. I don’t feel very different from yesterday, or
from a few days before, strangely. sort of in the
little adventure already I guess. The excitement
happens right at first. Maisie looking through the
window. I was listening to my iPod. Still thinking
about Paige. Hard to shake it from my mind.
Couldn’t tell if anyone else felt the same.
———————————
April 30th
Seen so many new things. Walking a lot.
Can’t wear flip flops anymore. In Berlin walked
back and forth over where the wall used to be. the
graffiti pretty cool. hotel nice. everyone speaks
english. didn’t get to drive the autobahn. next
time. Maisie so social. Everyone wants to talk to
her. Keep the italian guys away from her. Not
really. allowed to go to bars here. some of them
nice. some, nice pool tables. eating bratwurst from
stands during the day. everything very efficient
here i.e, the trains. language is jarring. loud. too
many consonants. under din linden really cool. like
the atlas museum. ancient civilizations. the
holocaust memorial. sad. moving. very sad.
nightclubs open until dawn. weird experience. fun.
flying mostly. took train to paris. boulevards.
crepes by the eiffel tower. so many crepes.
Versailles. so hot. so much money, so much art. so
big. the gardens. more crepes. talking to allister.
feeling him stories. he sounds alright.
———————————————
June 30th
Allister with us now. Happy to come across.
Very willing to go places with us, he’s growing.
looks taller than last time. big appetite afterwards.
talking in a british accent all the time. combing his
hair like a british actor. not sure why. reading
keats. Maisie gone during the days now. british
newspapers. so harsh sometimes. have time to
watch movies. still get a little down sometimes.
weird buzzing noise in the apartment. just me and
allister a lot of the time. miss teagan and agnes.
stick handling in the apartment. no one has
complained yet. only during the day. weather nice
for a long time. then raining for a while. another
nice stretch again. teagan. reagan. no connection.
bored sometimes. feely really sad. can’t get
overthinking. feel better when accomplishing
things. Maisie really emotionally stable. helpful to
see how she does it. dad calls sometimes. not too
worried about us.
——————————
August 9th
summer almost over. visiting home again. allister
getting ready for school. Maisie visiting parents
today. Have to go see them next week. skated a few
times already. feel an extra bit of jump after a
break. hands feel fine. comes back easy. saw
spelling. few other people. people coming to visit.
relatives calling. dad home more. working on the
house. miss europe. allister still in good spirits.
doesn’t seem to think about it anymore. thinks
about the new school year though you can tell.
watching rain from my window. the drops are
clean. steady. light. april showers. august showers?
hollander is sniffing at the door. curious. just
listening now. waiting for Maisie to come home. I
can write more some than other times. tired from
exercise. feeling excited about the coming winter.
so excited. nothing in our ways. fingers.
—————————
Agnes sort of appeared. not even me
answering the door. appeared in my room. happy
to see her yes. but what the heak. she looks very
good. did she look me up. remember telling her
where we lived. surprised she remembers/ knows
the address. She doesn’t know who Maisie is. we
hooked up. it’s okay. Maisie and I never talked
about this. Agnes and I left things uncertain. Just
the one time. Then we talked about it. Exclusive.
love. good. good thing… Maisie and I have been
together every night since. don’t know what to do
all the same. whether i should entertain her.
entertain people. maybe at parties. all day. agnes
doesn’t ask quite so much. allister is entertaining
for her. he’s more acknowledging of her as a
couple days have gone by. that kid. she doesn’t
necessarily want to do things either. she is just I’m
here. I want to see you, is all. still comfortable
together. we just sat in class, through things, many
times. a little disconcerting. it was like transposing
a whole period of time. all of us together. a little
awkward to say the least. making things work
though. feeling like people expect a lot of things
from me. that’s okay, mostly. took her around the
city just a little. not that exciting. just me and her,
not to awkward. not sure how long she’s staying.
not so long, I don’t think. might have stayed a lot
longer, under different circumstances. her and
maisie get along okay. maisie ironic, sharp. agnes
sweet, the south. tan. red lips. and the constant
smiling. allister likes the company. teases them. silly
humour, speaks his mind sometimes.
—————————————
sept. 17th
In our place. feeling a little better. happy to be
finished school. Don’t miss it. Walk a lot more
now, not so much sitting. feel calmer on the whole,
whatever is going on. don’t really miss anyone
from high school there. a little. some. Now just
want to be the best version of myself. do more for
others. time precious now.. my life is my life,
hockey is hockey. things we love go by the way
side. we hold onto the things we love the most.
only a game — even if I loved it. play for Allister
sometimes. he likes the silly songs i write. brought
new amps can use them in the days. hmv. iTunes. I
feel sort of compelled to expand my artistic taste,
as Maisie does, and as we are in Europe. photos
just for us. Facebook not the same as telling a story,
not appropriate for many things, electronic
existence lessons things, isn’t a short cut. day trips.
stone hedge. Maisie thought it was indicative of
nothing less than a very humble British people.
bretons? anglo-saxons. Thinking about when to go
back. Christmas. Then what. We aren’t so sure yet.
I was waiting in the lobby, circling in a
relaxed figure eight. people were starting to enter
into the theatre. Their chatter, slowly disappearing
through the doors, the music seeping through.
British talk, the occasional cough, beautiful lobby.
Maisie just finishing up. drinks. they don’t know
how old i am. as long as it isn’t warm beer. There
was a car outside. her, hopefully. dress elegantly,
paler than ever. medium heels. through the doors.
Hey, we should get inside. I hope you will
understand that I have started drinking before you.
Not in the least, it is all the better so i can
catch up. Things happening already. Their people
were mostly understanding with us, almost upset.
She had things to do. been all day. it was okay.
good seats. big theatre. okay.
there were two elderly couples in front of
us. sword fighting scene. language clear and
unstressed stressed in their trained voices. long
soliloquies. little laughter. hushed feeling. she really
is trying to catch up tonight. no more texting
under tables. wearing the dress her mom bought
her. I’m surprised. when did she find time to put
make up on? Capulet. What a silly last name. the
couples in front of us both holding hands. this
can’t be about their grandchildren. almost two
hours. intermission. arise, fair maisie. Can we go
meet the actors? honestly, yes. after the play,
though, Maisie said. The aisle was to our right,
and she was closest. I waited for a second to get
up. It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew
she were! Wait for me. Well, you were certainly
dramatic enough. people were even louder now. i
adore what you wearing. oh, thank you maisie
said. I brought it with me. We’ve been here since
the end of August. Wonderful. I’m just here for
the weekend. We live in Oxford. It’s lovely there. It
really is. I suppose you liked the cathedrals, and
everything. yes, of course. It really was a lovely
time, being there. who are you here with. My
husband, we were married a few months ago.
Well, lovely, lovely. romeo mistaken for dead. juliet,
in despair, Maisie is upset. her body has tightened.
it is a very good performance. — Juliet swooning.
fatal potion. romeo dies. I do have to write to my
father, as well.
dagger. juliet dies. Maisie discomforted. for
never was there a story of more woe/ Than this of
Juliet and her Romeo. in our seats as the play ends.
cast returns to the stage. then clapping. I turned
and looked at her. It gets better every time. I agree.
Hungry?, I asked. Not really. Let’s go home. Cool.
In the taxi home, tired. eyes a little weary. Maisie
giving directions. Upstairs. Made myself
something warm. Some chill from the previous
night. She came over and sat on the couch with
me. She put her head on my shoulder. She was
tired. I put the blanket over us, and after, we were
comfortable there. We feel asleep, happy, as the
night came to an eventual end.
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